Now Playing: Flook, "Haven", Track 7, "Padraig's".

Tonight Sarah and I were looking through my mother's photo albums from 2003 and 2006. It was funny to see the photos of music recitals, drama club performances, and back yard escapades. Chubby Philip, Stephen, Sam, and J.D.; Laura with her long hair; Dani and Ben much, much shorter than they are now.

I'm always bothered by what I see of myself in old pictures. Ridiculous skinny kid with rebellious hair and dark shadows under her eyes. Afraid, worrying, self-pitying. Not, of course, that those things have changed, but I've become better at hiding them. I hate being forced to remember because I inevitably remember all the things I did wrong: not only the things that were obvious to everyone, but all the secret mean childish mistakes that no one else knows about, that persist.

Mistakes? Or sins? It strikes me that the main reason remembering disturbs me is because it reminds me that I'm not perfect. Sins are mistakes, are the foolish slip-ups that betrayed my deep dark secrets to my family and friends. To me, they look like mistakes, flaws in the flawless mask I try to build for myself.

I am always hiding my imperfections to win the approval of the people around me. Because underneath this skin, I desperately need to be loved. Because underneath whatever poise I manage to present, I'm insecure. I don't believe that I am loved.

This attitude toward sin is wrong in the first place. Sins are mistakes--the uncomfortable reminders that I'm not perfect and can't hide that imperfection from other people or from myself. But sin ought to be sin--offenses against the eternally holy God. Acts of rebellion that anger Him and mock the sacrifice of His Son. Not accidents that need to be smoothed over but flagrant acts of defiance against my Creator.

In the second place, this desperate need for approval is also wrong. Born from the knowledge of true evil living in me, it is itself a marker of my sinfulness. It betrays the fact that I know I am not worthy of being loved. I become willing to go to any lengths to hide that fact.

But: 1 John 2:1, "If anyone sins, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous." Such a precious name of Christ! He is the righteous one, the one who loves perfectly, faithfully, patiently. His righteousness presents me to God. It pleads my need for forgiveness. It pleads my need for love, my need for approval, my need for security.

The righteousness of the Son cannot be denied by the Father. By His sacrifice, Christ has brought me into the eternal fellowship of the Trinity so that I share in the love of the Father, Son, and Spirit for one another. My Advocate establishes peace for me. Peace with the holy God, peace with myself, peace with people.

So now I have freedom to obey God. I am required to let my shame go: my mistakes are not mistakes, but sins against God. If He has forgiven them, I cannot hold onto them. I am required to let the guilt go because Christ has taken it. And I have freedom to love people without fear.

All very easy to write.... Now to live it out!