Now Playing: Andrew Peterson, "Carried Along", "Havens Grey".A few pictures from today: the head of the nature trail.
Pelicans fishing below the dam.
Stephen and my mother digging for selenite crystals. 29 September 2009
Now Playing: (One of my favorites) Andrew Peterson, "Love and Thunder", Track 3.
Today my mother, grandmother, Stephen, and I went to the Great Salt Plains. This was a very different experience than traveling in the clunky Buick with two other college girls. Stephen and I sat in the back seat, he studying Calculus, me reading over notes for the Literature GRE and vocabulary for the general GRE. My mother and grandmother discussed all sorts of small bits and pieces of news, and every time they saw a bird in the fields along the road, they would both exclaim as though it were an earth-shattering event.
The two-hour drive seemed much shorter than I remembered it, probably because I wasn't driving. We went north instead of south and drove along the auto trail first. The nature reserve was deserted. The early autumn morning hung like a flame in the trees, catalpas and cottonwoods turning yellow, elms already shedding their leaves, Virginia creeper and poison ivy neon red, clinging to trunks and branches. The gravel road wound between marshy areas. We saw a couple of deer grazing in beds of cattails, only their heads showing, looking like the heads of sea monsters gazing gravely at us from the thick mats of plants.
Stephen also spotted a raccoon that vanished in a twinkle almost as soon as he pointed it out. Red-tailed hawks perched ponderously on treetops and vultures circled overhead.
At the head of the nature trail, we stopped, and Stephen and I were bundled off to walk the trail and bring back a thorough report of whatever wildlife we saw, while my mother and grandmother sat in the shade and waited.
The woods were cool and beautiful. Huge withered catalpa leaves on the ground like discarded terrapin shells. We went out on the overlook to see the birds on the lake. Through the telescope we saw several pelicans with their ungainly heads tucked under their wings, a lineup of great white egrets and great blue herons fishing, and flocks and flocks of ducks and avocets skimming the water.
Later, I sneezed, and a big brown bird, probably an owl, swooped down the tunnel under the trees above the path. Stephen spotted a doe and her fawn further along. We stopped and stared at them, and they raised their long necks and stared at us. They watched us unblinkingly as we stalked over the bed of silver cottonwood leaves. We were fairly close when the doe flicked her tail, and they galloped away into the trees.
We walked down to the grove of catalpa trees, which was eerie and beautiful. Catalpas can be such odd looking trees--they look as though they belong somewhere tropical because their leaves are so big. Along the path were huge fallen trunks like dinosaur bones. Overhead, cottonwoods going yellow were swathed in crimson creeper.
We ate lunch at the picnic shelter where mother dear and Grammy had been waiting for us. It was quite pleasant. Then we drove over to the dam. Of course we had to stop to explore a couple of the camp sites along the way. At the dam, Grammy stayed in the car, but the rest of us got out and climbed around. A great blue heron was fishing on one of the spillways. The air was full of seagulls, weaving around each other, wings flashing. At the top of the dam there was a flat barren space looking out toward the lake. Desolate, the salt flats a white stripe far away on the horizon.
Down on the red water of the river, three pelicans were fishing. They swam up the river, then turned and let it carry them downstream, dipping their beaks in sync into the water.
Eventually, we drove through Jet over to the salt flats. Grammy had never seen them before and was absolutely amazed. They are an eerie sight: bare, white as snow, stretching away at water level so that you can't tell what is mirage and what is lakeshore in the distance.
She stayed in the car, and again the rest of us got out and, armed with shovel and bucket, essayed the salt flats. By scooping just under the surface, we found crystals. The wind wasn't as strong today as it had been last time. We squatted in silence, speaking softly, the great open plain stretching terrifying away around us under a fierce blue sky. Crystals shone like glass in the sand.
After about half-an-hour, we drove back to Stillwater. The car was very quiet. I read, and we listened to Bach. Stark contrast to the little battered towns through which we passed--nothing grand or Baroque about them, their stiff misery, empty storefronts and deserted houses.
We were home by about half four.
Today my mother, grandmother, Stephen, and I went to the Great Salt Plains. This was a very different experience than traveling in the clunky Buick with two other college girls. Stephen and I sat in the back seat, he studying Calculus, me reading over notes for the Literature GRE and vocabulary for the general GRE. My mother and grandmother discussed all sorts of small bits and pieces of news, and every time they saw a bird in the fields along the road, they would both exclaim as though it were an earth-shattering event.
The two-hour drive seemed much shorter than I remembered it, probably because I wasn't driving. We went north instead of south and drove along the auto trail first. The nature reserve was deserted. The early autumn morning hung like a flame in the trees, catalpas and cottonwoods turning yellow, elms already shedding their leaves, Virginia creeper and poison ivy neon red, clinging to trunks and branches. The gravel road wound between marshy areas. We saw a couple of deer grazing in beds of cattails, only their heads showing, looking like the heads of sea monsters gazing gravely at us from the thick mats of plants.
Stephen also spotted a raccoon that vanished in a twinkle almost as soon as he pointed it out. Red-tailed hawks perched ponderously on treetops and vultures circled overhead.
At the head of the nature trail, we stopped, and Stephen and I were bundled off to walk the trail and bring back a thorough report of whatever wildlife we saw, while my mother and grandmother sat in the shade and waited.
The woods were cool and beautiful. Huge withered catalpa leaves on the ground like discarded terrapin shells. We went out on the overlook to see the birds on the lake. Through the telescope we saw several pelicans with their ungainly heads tucked under their wings, a lineup of great white egrets and great blue herons fishing, and flocks and flocks of ducks and avocets skimming the water.
Later, I sneezed, and a big brown bird, probably an owl, swooped down the tunnel under the trees above the path. Stephen spotted a doe and her fawn further along. We stopped and stared at them, and they raised their long necks and stared at us. They watched us unblinkingly as we stalked over the bed of silver cottonwood leaves. We were fairly close when the doe flicked her tail, and they galloped away into the trees.
We walked down to the grove of catalpa trees, which was eerie and beautiful. Catalpas can be such odd looking trees--they look as though they belong somewhere tropical because their leaves are so big. Along the path were huge fallen trunks like dinosaur bones. Overhead, cottonwoods going yellow were swathed in crimson creeper.
We ate lunch at the picnic shelter where mother dear and Grammy had been waiting for us. It was quite pleasant. Then we drove over to the dam. Of course we had to stop to explore a couple of the camp sites along the way. At the dam, Grammy stayed in the car, but the rest of us got out and climbed around. A great blue heron was fishing on one of the spillways. The air was full of seagulls, weaving around each other, wings flashing. At the top of the dam there was a flat barren space looking out toward the lake. Desolate, the salt flats a white stripe far away on the horizon.
Down on the red water of the river, three pelicans were fishing. They swam up the river, then turned and let it carry them downstream, dipping their beaks in sync into the water.
Eventually, we drove through Jet over to the salt flats. Grammy had never seen them before and was absolutely amazed. They are an eerie sight: bare, white as snow, stretching away at water level so that you can't tell what is mirage and what is lakeshore in the distance.
She stayed in the car, and again the rest of us got out and, armed with shovel and bucket, essayed the salt flats. By scooping just under the surface, we found crystals. The wind wasn't as strong today as it had been last time. We squatted in silence, speaking softly, the great open plain stretching terrifying away around us under a fierce blue sky. Crystals shone like glass in the sand.
After about half-an-hour, we drove back to Stillwater. The car was very quiet. I read, and we listened to Bach. Stark contrast to the little battered towns through which we passed--nothing grand or Baroque about them, their stiff misery, empty storefronts and deserted houses.
We were home by about half four.
26 September 2009
SRPC campout happened last night at Lake Carl Blackwell. Mr. C built a nice big campfire at one of the camp sites. The wee kids ran around everywhere, squealing and poking along the lake shore, while the older kids disappeared to play a game of ultimate frisbee somewhere. 
In the middle of the proceedings, it began to sprinkle. The result was some slightly damp napkins and this rainbow.
I told a story to these three little goons in one of the big tents. They only sat still for about ten seconds at a time. Most of the time, they were zipping and unzipping the window flaps, playing with a broom, and telling each other to be quiet. 22 September 2009
Now Playing: Mozart, Requiem, "Benedictus".
Another one of those cheesy cat-and-computer shots so popular among people who fancy themselves to be creative types.
Another one of those cheesy cat-and-computer shots so popular among people who fancy themselves to be creative types.This, however, is the people-eating (not people-pleasing) cat, Annie. The one, Emmaline, who was sneaking around my room earlier today.
Shortly after I took this photo she jumped into my chair and decided to stalk me.
21 September 2009
Now Playing: Andrew Peterson, "Love and Thunder", "High Noon".
Miss these friends! Spent all day today revising for the GRE, o joyous activity. In the morning, took a practice test, and in the afternoon, read chapter after chapter of The Princeton Review's guide to this wonderful exam. If I ever write a book, there shall be a mock heroic account of the hero doing battle with a fearsome standardized test monster.
Our cat Annie likes to jump up onto my windowsill and look out the window while I'm working. She bathes herself and sleeps up there, and wakes up if she hears the slightest sound outside. I'm a little bit afraid that someday she'll pull a boy-in-the-window trick as in the Book of Acts and fall out during one of her naps.
I've decided to make a tour of my music collection this fall and listen to it from start to finish. There are a lot of albums that I don't listen to at all, so it's high time for me to become reacquainted with whatever I have floating around in iTunes.
Ruth and I presented about our RP missions trips on Sunday. Hooray for Lorna and her straighteners! Petros's hair will never be the same (especially after that last haircut right before we left!). It was good to get to talk about what happened in Cyprus. I miss full time missions work. Maybe it's not really because I miss the actual service but because it made me feel good. Such is my heart. After I've been reading about God's grace, I come to God with my requests for the day and for my friends and relatives. And instead of asking purely with faith, expecting to receive whatever God decides is best, I come rationalizing, editing, choosing my words so that they'll be as pleasing as possible and make me look as good as possible. Prayer has become very difficult, especially, for some reason, after reading C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters. I'm afraid that I'm just praying to the page. But how do I know for sure? Christ promises that we will ask the Father and that He will hear our requests because He loves us. But the enemy in my head whispers doubts constantly while I'm trying to pray so that praying becomes an effort, slogging it out, never sure whether I'm supposed to be "relying on the Spirit" or "excercising my responsibility", or something in between. Don't we all just love the tensions of the Christian life?
19 September 2009
Now Playing: "Artificial Animals Riding on Neverland".
Good visit to Tulsa this weekend.
Philip and I hatched nefarious schemes on Thursday afternoon. Tara and I sat on the Bs' front porch and ate watermelon with their wee girls (except for the one who doesn't like watermelon, who pedaled a red tricycle around the porch) on Friday morning.
I ate lunch with Alyson--oh, how I've missed that absolutely deliciously gourmet ACAC food--on Friday and went to Woodward Park with Amy in the afternoon. I made the acquaintance of Amy's and Hannah's new cat, Piglet.
Amanda, Tara, and I ate at the restaurant where Crystal works on Thursday night, and on Friday night I met Alisha at the coffee shop, where we relaxed and poked quiet fun of some guy playing an awful piece on the out-of-tune piano.
Jenny and I visited the Farmer's Market this morning, and she bought an exuberant bouquet of zinnias, and we smelled packets of spices and taste-tested hot peppers (she did, anyway). Crystal bought the first Harry Potter book for me at the Ps' yard sale, and I talked poetry with Matt at Doubleshot in the afternoon.
Amanda, Tara, and I ate a late picnic lunch in Woodward Park under the big old oak trees before I came back to Stillwater.
Good visit to Tulsa this weekend.
Philip and I hatched nefarious schemes on Thursday afternoon. Tara and I sat on the Bs' front porch and ate watermelon with their wee girls (except for the one who doesn't like watermelon, who pedaled a red tricycle around the porch) on Friday morning.
I ate lunch with Alyson--oh, how I've missed that absolutely deliciously gourmet ACAC food--on Friday and went to Woodward Park with Amy in the afternoon. I made the acquaintance of Amy's and Hannah's new cat, Piglet.
Amanda, Tara, and I ate at the restaurant where Crystal works on Thursday night, and on Friday night I met Alisha at the coffee shop, where we relaxed and poked quiet fun of some guy playing an awful piece on the out-of-tune piano.
Jenny and I visited the Farmer's Market this morning, and she bought an exuberant bouquet of zinnias, and we smelled packets of spices and taste-tested hot peppers (she did, anyway). Crystal bought the first Harry Potter book for me at the Ps' yard sale, and I talked poetry with Matt at Doubleshot in the afternoon.
Amanda, Tara, and I ate a late picnic lunch in Woodward Park under the big old oak trees before I came back to Stillwater.
15 September 2009
Now Playing: Harry Gregson-Williams, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian soundtrack, "The Door in the Air".
Decided that it was too late to fill out graduate school applications, but not too late to blog. Go figure.
I spent the morning studying for the GRE, of course. The Hs came over so that my mother could help wee David with his reading. During lunch, my mother, Stephen, and I started to watch the old BBC Bleak House TV series.
On Sunday, Ruth and I are supposed to present about our RPM teams this past summer, so after lunch I went over my presentation a couple of times. I'm always so paranoid about being too long and too boring that when I actually read the presentation through, it was just barely long enough.
Going back over the photos and experiences from Cyprus has been really good, though, as a reminder of God's faithfulness. I saw God answer prayers spectacularly, immediately there: saw Him provide food for our weekend when we hadn't thought there was enough money, saw Him convert a guy who'd been sitting on the fence with regards to the faith, saw Him stirring the young people to ask questions about the Bible, saw Him protect us and provide grace for us.
Yesterday in my quiet time I read Psalm 136 with the refrain "His steadfast love endures forever". From Creation to the Exodus, God's love has been fastened on His people. He loves us patiently, persistently, powerfully. It's awesome to remember that the power that called the sun and stars into existence loves us.
In the afternoon, I ran errands. Stillwater is such an odd town. I drove down to the bank that we've gone to since I was less than five years old. Now I go there myself to cash my own checks. The teller, Charlotte, talks to me about the weather.
Then I walked across the street to the post office to post a letter to Catherine. I miss being able to walk to the post office in ACAC at TU. I have to drive all the way downtown to send international post now, and the post office is always absolutely packed with people standing in line.
The main excitement of the afternoon was gift hunting, though. I poked my nose into Murphy's, where the three shopkeepers were gossiping by the cash register. They let me browse among the colorful kitchenware unmolested. Then I went down to Elite Repeat, just out of curiosity. Mrs. O, our next door neighbor, was behind the counter. She asked me how Laura is doing--she has a particular soft spot for Laura.
Then I went over to Hallmark. I persisted past the racks of greeting cards to the far corner of the shop. Stationery and journals. Beautiful, beautiful things. Textiles, jewelry, and well-made printed matter--some of my favorite indulgences in life. I found some gorgeous journals.
Further down the street, I visited The Beadery. They have cats, sitting among the elegant bureaus and wardrobes and mirrors and racks full of jewelry.
Then I drove up Main Street. Turned at the art gallery. On one side of the street is a scooter shop, where rednecks and hip-hop types were working together on an ATV. Across the street is the international food market, which largely stocks Middle Eastern and Indian foods. I did manage to find a couple of boxes of PG Tips tea, though.
At home again, dragging my feet, I started to work on graduate school applications at last. Just then, of course, my mother called us for an early tea. My father and Stephen drive an hour north to Ponca City every Tuesday and Thursday for basketball practice now, and they have to leave at six o'clock.
Sarah and I met at the Marble Slab, over by OSU, this evening. It was a busy place tonight. Group after group kept coming in: sorority girls, guys from Countryside Baptist college group, families, couples, freshmen, giggling, greeting each other noisily.
Sarah and I ordered our ice cream and sat at a side table for an hour-and-a-half or so, talking. It got dark outside quickly. At about half eight, we walked around campus for awhile. Campus was quiet tonight. Everyone seemed to be studying in the library. We walked past the Student Union and Gundersen Hall, along behind the Civil Engineering Laboratory and the Library, past the Botany Department/Arts and Sciences Offices (we could see plants growing in a lab through a window), and onto the porch of the library. We walked down the lawn to the Student Union. We went up and stood on the balcony, looking at the dark formal gardens. The bell in the library tower struck nine o'clock.
When I got home, I had to weave my way through half-a-dozen spiderwebs hung along our front porch. My mother was sitting alone in the living room, knitting. We talked until the guys came home.
The wind outside slides through the trees, stroking the windchimes across the streets, and crickets purr gently.
Decided that it was too late to fill out graduate school applications, but not too late to blog. Go figure.
I spent the morning studying for the GRE, of course. The Hs came over so that my mother could help wee David with his reading. During lunch, my mother, Stephen, and I started to watch the old BBC Bleak House TV series.
On Sunday, Ruth and I are supposed to present about our RPM teams this past summer, so after lunch I went over my presentation a couple of times. I'm always so paranoid about being too long and too boring that when I actually read the presentation through, it was just barely long enough.
Going back over the photos and experiences from Cyprus has been really good, though, as a reminder of God's faithfulness. I saw God answer prayers spectacularly, immediately there: saw Him provide food for our weekend when we hadn't thought there was enough money, saw Him convert a guy who'd been sitting on the fence with regards to the faith, saw Him stirring the young people to ask questions about the Bible, saw Him protect us and provide grace for us.
Yesterday in my quiet time I read Psalm 136 with the refrain "His steadfast love endures forever". From Creation to the Exodus, God's love has been fastened on His people. He loves us patiently, persistently, powerfully. It's awesome to remember that the power that called the sun and stars into existence loves us.
In the afternoon, I ran errands. Stillwater is such an odd town. I drove down to the bank that we've gone to since I was less than five years old. Now I go there myself to cash my own checks. The teller, Charlotte, talks to me about the weather.
Then I walked across the street to the post office to post a letter to Catherine. I miss being able to walk to the post office in ACAC at TU. I have to drive all the way downtown to send international post now, and the post office is always absolutely packed with people standing in line.
The main excitement of the afternoon was gift hunting, though. I poked my nose into Murphy's, where the three shopkeepers were gossiping by the cash register. They let me browse among the colorful kitchenware unmolested. Then I went down to Elite Repeat, just out of curiosity. Mrs. O, our next door neighbor, was behind the counter. She asked me how Laura is doing--she has a particular soft spot for Laura.
Then I went over to Hallmark. I persisted past the racks of greeting cards to the far corner of the shop. Stationery and journals. Beautiful, beautiful things. Textiles, jewelry, and well-made printed matter--some of my favorite indulgences in life. I found some gorgeous journals.
Further down the street, I visited The Beadery. They have cats, sitting among the elegant bureaus and wardrobes and mirrors and racks full of jewelry.
Then I drove up Main Street. Turned at the art gallery. On one side of the street is a scooter shop, where rednecks and hip-hop types were working together on an ATV. Across the street is the international food market, which largely stocks Middle Eastern and Indian foods. I did manage to find a couple of boxes of PG Tips tea, though.
At home again, dragging my feet, I started to work on graduate school applications at last. Just then, of course, my mother called us for an early tea. My father and Stephen drive an hour north to Ponca City every Tuesday and Thursday for basketball practice now, and they have to leave at six o'clock.
Sarah and I met at the Marble Slab, over by OSU, this evening. It was a busy place tonight. Group after group kept coming in: sorority girls, guys from Countryside Baptist college group, families, couples, freshmen, giggling, greeting each other noisily.
Sarah and I ordered our ice cream and sat at a side table for an hour-and-a-half or so, talking. It got dark outside quickly. At about half eight, we walked around campus for awhile. Campus was quiet tonight. Everyone seemed to be studying in the library. We walked past the Student Union and Gundersen Hall, along behind the Civil Engineering Laboratory and the Library, past the Botany Department/Arts and Sciences Offices (we could see plants growing in a lab through a window), and onto the porch of the library. We walked down the lawn to the Student Union. We went up and stood on the balcony, looking at the dark formal gardens. The bell in the library tower struck nine o'clock.
When I got home, I had to weave my way through half-a-dozen spiderwebs hung along our front porch. My mother was sitting alone in the living room, knitting. We talked until the guys came home.
The wind outside slides through the trees, stroking the windchimes across the streets, and crickets purr gently.
12 September 2009
Now Playing: Brahms, Violin Concerto in D, Op. 77, "Adagio".
An adagio seems appropriate for a day like this. Early September, always full of the high, sharp-edged hum of crickets in the grass, like the whir of a bicycle chain. Sky is overcast, as it has been for most of the week, and all the windows are open.
I finally managed to make a start on all those applications this week. So far I have three of ten forms filled out and one fairly solid draft of a personal statement. At least, I hope it's fairly solid. We'll see what the professorial types say when they get their hands on it. Despite having graduated, I still live in awe of my undergraduate advisor and her pencil.
As usually happens when I've been away somewhere and come back, a foolish prodigal idea has crept into my head. And as also usually happens, it's taken about a year to work its way into the blinding light of day. (If anyone is counting, this is a record, because when I decided to cut my hair nice and short, that had been about six years in the making at least.)
I've decided to paint "my" room. Yellow, as a matter of fact. We'll see if it actually happens or not, though at this point I'm determined enough that it just might. Need some paint, a roller, loads of newspapers, a steamer and other unsavory items for stripping wallpaper, and probably some help. Don't worry, father dear, you won't be asked to paint: just move the dresser over there.... And would you mind managing the bed and all those bookshelves, too?
I'm thinking of making some curtains while I'm at it. Green? Yes, please. That way it will look like spring in November.
Of course this will all take time and effort and money, which I'm currently rather short on. The curtains may have to wait. But it's amusing to think about anyway.
On Wednesday I fished around and found a volume of The Well-Tempered Clavier downstairs in the basket by the piano. I tried to play Prelude No. 2, and was shocked by the state of my piano abilities. It has been over ten years, I guess, since I played seriously. Still!
Not to mention the fact that my poor family will probably get sick and tired of hearing me play Bach. Bach on the piano, Bach on the flute, with a little Vivaldi thrown in for good measure. Nothing like Baroque music to cheer things up. I'm not much one for crash-and-bang Romantic stuff, not to play, though I don't mind listening to it (as the current music choice shows).
Tomorrow is Sunday. With typical human attitude, I want my rest today, not tomorrow. To-do lists and I have a love-hate relationship. Their tyranny depresses me when I don't get as much done as I planned, but writing down everything I have to do helps me pretend that I have already done it, which alleviates stress. Always a good thing.
So now I'm going to cross "blog" off my list and write some e-mails.
An adagio seems appropriate for a day like this. Early September, always full of the high, sharp-edged hum of crickets in the grass, like the whir of a bicycle chain. Sky is overcast, as it has been for most of the week, and all the windows are open.
I finally managed to make a start on all those applications this week. So far I have three of ten forms filled out and one fairly solid draft of a personal statement. At least, I hope it's fairly solid. We'll see what the professorial types say when they get their hands on it. Despite having graduated, I still live in awe of my undergraduate advisor and her pencil.
As usually happens when I've been away somewhere and come back, a foolish prodigal idea has crept into my head. And as also usually happens, it's taken about a year to work its way into the blinding light of day. (If anyone is counting, this is a record, because when I decided to cut my hair nice and short, that had been about six years in the making at least.)
I've decided to paint "my" room. Yellow, as a matter of fact. We'll see if it actually happens or not, though at this point I'm determined enough that it just might. Need some paint, a roller, loads of newspapers, a steamer and other unsavory items for stripping wallpaper, and probably some help. Don't worry, father dear, you won't be asked to paint: just move the dresser over there.... And would you mind managing the bed and all those bookshelves, too?
I'm thinking of making some curtains while I'm at it. Green? Yes, please. That way it will look like spring in November.
Of course this will all take time and effort and money, which I'm currently rather short on. The curtains may have to wait. But it's amusing to think about anyway.
On Wednesday I fished around and found a volume of The Well-Tempered Clavier downstairs in the basket by the piano. I tried to play Prelude No. 2, and was shocked by the state of my piano abilities. It has been over ten years, I guess, since I played seriously. Still!
Not to mention the fact that my poor family will probably get sick and tired of hearing me play Bach. Bach on the piano, Bach on the flute, with a little Vivaldi thrown in for good measure. Nothing like Baroque music to cheer things up. I'm not much one for crash-and-bang Romantic stuff, not to play, though I don't mind listening to it (as the current music choice shows).
Tomorrow is Sunday. With typical human attitude, I want my rest today, not tomorrow. To-do lists and I have a love-hate relationship. Their tyranny depresses me when I don't get as much done as I planned, but writing down everything I have to do helps me pretend that I have already done it, which alleviates stress. Always a good thing.
So now I'm going to cross "blog" off my list and write some e-mails.
07 September 2009
Now Playing: Andrew Peterson, "Love and Thunder", Track 3.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm bothering to post on here. Today I meant to start filling out the basics of graduate school applications, but I didn't even begin to bookmark them online. So much for making a good start, though this is just the beginning of the week.
Listening to Andrew Peterson in the evening has become my m.o. so far this fall. I wake up with his songs running through my head, songs about grace.
It's become increasingly evident that I don't understand grace at all. For months and months I've been trying to do the right thing. It's always in the back of my mind. Have I prayed with exactly the right mixture of truth and emotion? Have I participated with every ounce of my being in the worship service? Have I thought about God every moment today? Are my motives completely pure?
Of course this leads to a battle with assurance. Christ said, "Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." In my quiet times I've been working through a list of the names of Christ, trying to know Him better. Last week I came to John 6, Christ as the Bread of Life. My father read that chapter to me when I came to him one night, teary-eyed, a little girl asking for help.
I have the same question of that chapter now as then, but it's not as easily answered: "Am I saved?" Now the question is complicated: "Have I come to Christ truly? Have I really and truly looked for Him?" Haunted by Hebrews 12 and the words about Esau who could not find repentance, "though he sought it diligently, with tears".
That response doesn't understand grace--at least, I don't think it does. Does my salvation rest on my coming to Christ, or on the work of Christ? The two are so closely intertwined, faith and salvation to faith, that I can't separate them. What if I don't have that faith?
None of this is helped by an undefinable sense of failure. The culture informs me in no uncertain terms that I'm a loser, someone with a B.A. who's living at home, and jobless for now. Which creates guilt, shame, loneliness, and resentment. An event in my life that I didn't plan isn't very flattering to my sense of control.
The "what ifs" crowd around. What if the relationships had gone smoothly? What if I had found some awesome missions opportunity for the year? If this time is part of God's plan, it feels completely unreasonable, almost petty. There's nothing grand or wonderful about it, just the challenge of obedience to the mundane.
In the end, though, I think it's basically a matter of perspective based on a misunderstanding of grace. If I understood the grace of God, I would know, as Mr. C puts it, that every day is God's gift to me; that what I have today is the very best thing God could give me for today.
Like the woman at the well, I'm thirsty but too confused to recognize the Savior sitting in front of me.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm bothering to post on here. Today I meant to start filling out the basics of graduate school applications, but I didn't even begin to bookmark them online. So much for making a good start, though this is just the beginning of the week.
Listening to Andrew Peterson in the evening has become my m.o. so far this fall. I wake up with his songs running through my head, songs about grace.
It's become increasingly evident that I don't understand grace at all. For months and months I've been trying to do the right thing. It's always in the back of my mind. Have I prayed with exactly the right mixture of truth and emotion? Have I participated with every ounce of my being in the worship service? Have I thought about God every moment today? Are my motives completely pure?
Of course this leads to a battle with assurance. Christ said, "Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." In my quiet times I've been working through a list of the names of Christ, trying to know Him better. Last week I came to John 6, Christ as the Bread of Life. My father read that chapter to me when I came to him one night, teary-eyed, a little girl asking for help.
I have the same question of that chapter now as then, but it's not as easily answered: "Am I saved?" Now the question is complicated: "Have I come to Christ truly? Have I really and truly looked for Him?" Haunted by Hebrews 12 and the words about Esau who could not find repentance, "though he sought it diligently, with tears".
That response doesn't understand grace--at least, I don't think it does. Does my salvation rest on my coming to Christ, or on the work of Christ? The two are so closely intertwined, faith and salvation to faith, that I can't separate them. What if I don't have that faith?
None of this is helped by an undefinable sense of failure. The culture informs me in no uncertain terms that I'm a loser, someone with a B.A. who's living at home, and jobless for now. Which creates guilt, shame, loneliness, and resentment. An event in my life that I didn't plan isn't very flattering to my sense of control.
The "what ifs" crowd around. What if the relationships had gone smoothly? What if I had found some awesome missions opportunity for the year? If this time is part of God's plan, it feels completely unreasonable, almost petty. There's nothing grand or wonderful about it, just the challenge of obedience to the mundane.
In the end, though, I think it's basically a matter of perspective based on a misunderstanding of grace. If I understood the grace of God, I would know, as Mr. C puts it, that every day is God's gift to me; that what I have today is the very best thing God could give me for today.
Like the woman at the well, I'm thirsty but too confused to recognize the Savior sitting in front of me.
01 September 2009
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