hear ye, hear ye!

Now Playing: The neighbor's lawn mower and leaf blower. We are sitting outside on the back porch of what is, for now, the royal domicile, after all, and such racket is to be expected, we suppose.

Such raucous noise aside, we begin.

Announcing the ascendancy of the author of this blog to the position of Queen of the United States of America, which is rapidly becoming the United Bureaucracy of America in our opinion.

As far as the presidency, Congress, etc., goes, in the words of King Caspian in The Voyage of the "Dawn Treader", "'I think we have had enough of governors,' and so made him a Duke."

The policies of this new government will include the following:

First, a federal ban on abortion in all its forms, gay marriage, and gambling. Also, a ban on stem cell research, cloning, and creation of human-animal hybrids. Minotaurs, centaurs, and werewolves are all very well in Narnia or mythology, but we want no such monsters roaming the halls of our nation's research facilities, their escape a definite and disturbing possibility.

Second, withdrawal of all federal funding from organizations including but not limited to NPR, the NEA (both as concerns arts and education), NASA, National Geographic, and the Smithsonian. These institutions can take care of their own business from henceforth as far as we are concerned, and they can make as much hullabaloo as they want about any and all of the new policies, as long as they don't expect the new government to pay any attention to their racket.

Third, abolishment of the federal income tax. In place of this, we will establish a national sales tax, which will be built into the shelf price of every item, as in the U.K. No more of this silly business of going up to the cash register and being sadly disappointed by discovering that one's purchase costs fifty cents more than one expected!

Fourth, privatization of transportation systems. All transportation will now be owned by the states or private companies. Tax breaks will be given to those states, cities, or companies that construct public transportation systems, and particularly to those that give discounts to large families to travel on such systems. (By the way: For environmental protection, only families with three children or more and those requiring the vehicles for daily work (i.e., farming, construction, etc.) will be permitted to own large vehicles. No more of this buying SUVs and Hummers for status purposes!)

Fifth, the opening of Alaska and offshore drilling options for private oil companies. Simultaneously, tax breaks will be given to those companies and research institutions which are exploring alternate fuel options.

Sixth, because this new government is concerned for the aesthetic appeal of our beautiful country, we will give tax breaks to all municipalities that bury their power lines. This will remove the need for obnoxious companies such as Asplund (*cough*), which butcher trees, and the possibilities for citizens' death as a result of live damaged electric lines. (This one is slightly random, but it makes sense--to the royal "us", that is.)

Seventh, removal of all federal funding from the "public" school system. It won't be public anymore.

Eighth, the establishment of English as the official national language. We are heartily weary of the time and expense sacrificed on translating things into Spanish, which, though intrinsically beautiful and worthy in its own culture, has no business being officially recognized by a government founded and dependent upon a distinctly English linguistic heritage.

Ninth, privatization of health care, social security, and all that jazz. Those who are wise enough to take care of themselves should have ample opportunity; those who aren't should know the consequences. (Paul does say, "If a man shall not work, neither shall he eat," after all....)

It is our understanding, as an explanation of the above policies, that the Constitution does not give any precedent for the federal government's involvement in the arts, sciences, health care, education, transportation, medicine, or any of the other exhaustive and exhausting entanglements in which the current bureaucracy has immured itself.

It is also our understanding that with the removal of income tax and tax breaks for companies, states, or municipalities which are demonstrating good stewardship, the much-discussed, much-pitied, and much-doctored economy will be stimulated and quickened as people will have more money to spend, save, and invest as they see fit.

As far as issues of royal succession goes, we propose to appoint successors. We will not be restricted to our children (should such an eventuality arise) or blood relatives, though it must be stated that for the moment, we are strongly inclined to appoint one of the royal siblings to be next in line for the throne.

As far as our royal decrees, nine seems like a good number at which to stop for now. For international policy, and the war in Iraq, our chief adviser, M (with overtones of James Bond), has suggested the shipping over of a hefty number of troops to settle the issues there once and for all, so that when the soldiers do come back, it will be a lot more quickly and without the constant nightmare fear of having to be sent out again, instead of this rather wishy-washy state of affairs. Further consideration must be applied to this suggestion; however, because of the wisdom of M on other aspects of the administration's policy, we incline to agree with her.

We would like to point out that these new regulations will allow the government to pay off a large chunk of the national debt. Also, that in some ways these new regulations would be more environmentally friendly since instead of pouring resources into fruitless research on helpless children, companies would be able to develop alternative technologies in medicine, fuel, transportation, and the like.

We propose that the royal parents and the session of our church be the chief royal advisers. Also, that Miss Rachel S. be the adviser on economic policy, and a panel of petroleum engineers, including Mr. K and (the new) Mrs. H, be in charge of overseeing the new drilling options. The royal brother, P, will be encouraged to form a company to ensure that all those new train and subway lines are safe for the public once he graduates as a mechanical engineer, and the other royal brother, S, will be encouraged to head the EPA, keeping an eye on Alaska and the nation's oceans, should he choose to graduate with a degree in marine biology. The royal sister, L, will be presented with the opportunity to use whichever of her many talents (sign, music, and culinary arts) she chooses to pursue.

We also propose that the royal friends in other parts of the globe be consulted on issues of international policy since they can keep a somewhat more impartial eye on the international attitude toward our new government.

As an overarching guide to policy, we propose to take the Holy Bible as our chief guide and primary authority.

Herewith concludes the royal declaration. Citizens, salute!

(And from now on, if anyone asks me what I'm going to do after I graduate, I'm going to whip out a copy of this and command them to give me their allegiance as their sovereign. *grin*)