news flash: serious outbreak of contagious disease in Renwick House

Now Playing: "An Ancient Muse" by Loreena McKennitt. Track 3, "Caravanserai".

Warning: Rosemary, you'll need a full-fledged dictionary for this one.

Tonight at tea Andy M., a second-year medical student apparently exercising his knowledge prior to his exams, diagnosed Renwick House with the clinical condition Examination Related Insanity, or, in layman's terms, ERI.

The Warden's reaction was reported to be: "I'm pretty sure I have 'I' year round!"

The chief symptom of this disease seems to be, in Renwick’s case, increased gregariousness on the part of most residents (though for some this is followed by periods of extreme aloofness), as demonstrated by the following examples.

A group of students gathered outside in the car park around one of the kitchen tables, which, having been removed for the barbecue a week ago, has become a permanent fixture in the area behind the kitchen and has been covered with notes, binders, laptops, cups, and empty food containers. Said students have been observed spending all day sitting outside around this table and on the concrete nearby, "studying", some of them leaning against the tyres of the cars parked nearby, others sitting with their feet propped up on the low brick wall between the car park and the back area. In order to control the unruly mob, the Warden has instituted three rules: No Talking, You Must Write More Than Fifteen Words (Emmaline!), and We Go For Ice Cream at Four O'Clock (direct quote from the Warden herself: "Revision is all about the food!").

This final rule has been kept religiously by a selection of Renwick girls for the past two days, specifically the Warden, Emmaline, Linsey, Catherine, and the author of this humble blog, with additions from outside Renwick (Sarah W. and Rosemary), who have been seen marching down Elmwood Avenue in the late afternoon for the past two days to Botanic, where they have queued with half of the rest of Belfast's population at the red ice cream van parked beside the Tropical Ravine. Said collection of girls has been seen dandering back to the house licking ninety-nines, munching Magnums, and eating ice lollies.

In fact, the symptoms of disease seem to be most pronounced in the late afternoon. Just today residents were observed setting up a volleyball net in the car park next door to Renwick's, having tied the net to Renwick's high metal fence on one side, and on the other side having stacked half-a-dozen kitchen chairs on top of a large rubbish bin, and tied the net to the chairs' legs. A lively game of volleyball ensued, with Andy L., Allison, and Matthew against Rachel, Ian, and Andy M. Though afterward Rachel complained of swollen hands and Matthew sent the volleyball crashing into a full cup of tea, baptizing Ian's medical notes, otherwise the residents seemed to extract a great deal of pleasure out of inflicting vigorous wallops on the aforementioned innocent object of their sport as it flew back and forth over the net in a haze of concrete dust in the late afternoon sunshine.

It was noted during the course of the volleyball match that for some reason the disease has prompted all the boys in the house to wear matching reflective sunglasses, a strange manifestation of the malady.

While not all the residents of the house have been quite so seriously ill as to spend all day sitting outside, most of those present have at least spent meal times outside. At lunch and tea, nearly everyone has made an appearance, lounging in the sunshine, eating, dozing, and sunbathing, an indication of the contagiousness of this serious disease. As further sign of the grave condition of the inmates of the house, the conversation at such times turns on completely trivial topics: the influence of Andy M.'s yogurt with seeds on the digestive system, Emmaline's purportedly strange middle name, and Matthew's theory that "if I can't see it, it doesn't exist" in response to Rachel's questions on the shared properties of wind, the Holy Spirit, quarks, leptons, and gravitons have all been discussed at points in the not-too-remote past. In addition, a great deal of mockery of dialectical differences has also surrounded mealtimes. One resident (wouldn't know who this would be, now would we?) has been observed laughing hysterically over the use of "while" in phrases such as "A while good time" and "A while lot", and correcting the pronunciation feel for fail by her not-so-innocent roommate, as well as drawing great satisfaction from mimicking the use of glottal stops in the Warden's pronunciation of words such as butter and water.

Meals indeed seem to be prolonged by the disease. Certain girls, namely the Warden and the author of this post, were seen sitting in the kitchen drinking tea and eating biscuits for half-an-hour after their appointed time to return to their studies, and had to be soundly rebuked by Andy L. for such procrastination.

Yet another symptom observed in the house has been a sudden rash of pranks played on the Warden, executed by certain of the boys. As someone in the house said, "They have too much time on their hands!" Whether this outburst of misapplied creativity is due to an excessive amount of hours in the day or to the madness induced by disease cannot be acertained; however, it is certain that strings of toilet paper, vaseline, ladders, and boys' boxers have all appeared in the Warden's demesne at one point or another, to her disgust.

Another bothersome indication of the disease has been the pile-up of dirty dishes in the house sinks. Apparently the disease inhibits one's physical abilities to clean anything. The most obvious physical effect, however, has caused only slight consternation: Nearly all the residents have pronounced cases of sunburn.

In conclusion, the public is warned to stay well clear of Renwick House in the coming weeks since this disease has proved to be highly contagious, as demonstrated above. Anyone traveling to the area is warned to take extra precautions to avoid contracting ERI.