Now Playing: J.S. Bach, "Passacaille and Fugue BWV 582", "Prelude & Fugue in A Minor BWV 543", from his organ works.

Writing for ENGL 4863 all evening. Ecstatic.

More pictures here.

Now Playing: Blavet, Vivaldi, and Bach.

Today.

At half seven, Mrs. S came to take Rachel and me to breakfast at Panera. We met Mrs. P there: she's one of Rachel's good friends from Grace Bible Church, an older woman. Panera was crowded at breakfast, of course. The four of us sat at a small high table in a corner by a window. The ladies were very kind and friendly.

After, Mrs. S dropped me off at the apartment, taking Rachel on to her class in Chapman at half nine. I finished my devotions, sitting in a patch of sunshine. I love noticing the way the light falls differently in different seasons. On winter afternoons, the sunshine slanted through the south-facing window, making an oblong behind my desk. On spring mornings, it slants from the north, long over the blue armchair.

The verse today: "Light is sown for the righteous, and joy for the upright in heart." God has planted gladness for me, even if I do not reap the fruit yet.

I walked to Tyrrell to practice before HON at eleven o'clock. As I walked to HON, I stared at the day. Glorious day, peerless sunshine, blue skies. In HON today, we discussed the crisis in Darfur and whether the U.S. should be involved. I picked up a salad in the food court, then drove to Woodward Park to meet Tara for lunch. Lunchtime traffic around Utica Square was heavy, so it wasn't until nearly one o'clock that I got to the park.

The park was a little bit crowded. Tara had spread herself out on the lawn near the rose gardens. The roses aren't blooming yet, though the dogwoods and azaleas on the hillside facing 21st Street are making a luscious display of red, magenta, and white against the dark oak trees. Tara and I ate our lunches in the warm sunshine. We watched people walking dogs, notably a pair of very cheerful beagles and an enormous imperturbable Husky, behind us.

I left at about a quarter to two in order to meet Dr. E at two o'clock for another independent study. Then I practiced for another hour in Tyrrell, playing through the pieces slowly with the metronome. That helped ease the nerves a little. All day long I'd been telling myself to relax, relax, relax. As I stepped out of Tyrrell, the sunshine engulfed me. I flopped down on the U, firm cool grass under my back, and spread my arms out to the sunshine.

As I lay there, Jenny M. joined me. Rachel joined us, and then Hannah came strolling insouciantly across the grass. The four of us sprawled together in the sunshine. Conversation trailed off into comfortable silence. We all just lay there in the sunshine on our stomachs, listening to cardinals singing around campus.

Jenny went to choir at five o'clock. At half five, Hannah went to work. Then Rachel and I went back to the apartment. We opened all the windows. I washed dishes, then made a sandwich for myself for tea, and wrote e-mails.

I left for Tyrrell at ten to seven. I felt small and incongruous: pink brocade dress, flip-flops, and enormous black backpack. At Tyrrell, Professor R had already set up the stage. Michele joined us. We ran through a few spots in some of the pieces, getting used to the hall again and to the rhythms. Now that the time had finally come, I was actually not as nervous as I'd expected. Not paralyzed, anyway. My parents and Stephen arrived. I stepped outside with my mother. Abby was perched on the stone steps outside Tyrrell, watching Annabelle running over the grass, collecting sweet gum balls. Rachel Jr. and Nicole showed up, then Stephen N., then the Hs. I stood outside joking around with them for awhile.

Finally I went indoors, slipped into the cool musty recital hall and into the strange space backstage. All sorts of odds and ends are stored back there, and the ventilation system makes weird noises. I sat on an old wooden chair under a partially-boarded window and was quiet.

Michele came backstage. Took a few minutes to breathe--the dress restricts that a little--before we went onstage. There were perhaps twenty-five people present, mostly from RUF. And so we launched into the recital. The Blavet was a wee bit stunted. Not too dreadful, but not perfect. I was glad when it was over. All those repeats make me nervous. Michele and I went backstage, I shook out my tight muscles, she took a drink, and then we went back on again for the Vivaldi. Joy and delight. Then, at last, came the Bach. It's a weighty ordeal, like trying to muster a cathedral out of a flute and a keyboard. It went off fairly well. We bowed, then went backstage, so I went on again, and bowed, and everyone stood and applauded, which made me very happy.

After the recital was over, I went down to say hello to everyone. Even Dr. S was there. Everyone was so kind. My mother had brought fruit and cake, which everyone enjoyed in the hallway afterward. Stood around chatting. Crystal approved of my outfit; Annabelle kept running up to give me hugs. Abby laughed that she had heard the word "Princess" several times during the evening. Gradually people began to leave. RUF was at nine o'clock. Philip and I stayed with my family, cleared away the leftover food, chatted. Then we said good-night. They left. Philip went to an ultimate frisbee game.

I walked back to my apartment with the strange sense of pointlessness that comes after a performance of any sort. I changed clothes, then walked to RUF. Marc was just starting his sermon. Last RUF.

Afterward, I put things away in the apartment. Rachel and I chatted for a wee while about the recital and her mother's visit. Then I settled down to write this. The windows are open. Chilly evening air seeps through the screen. And noises, noises, noises. Cars driving through the car park; an Iranian chap on his mobile phone; people talking. The train whistles blowing, as they always do at night. Emergency sirens. The buzz of air conditioners. I'm tired.

Pictures here.

Now Playing: Handel, Messiah, "I Know That My Redeemer Liveth".

Our call to worship today was Hosea 6:1-3:

"Come, and let us return to the LORD; for He has torn, but He will heal us; He has stricken, but He will bind us up. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will raise us up, that we may live in His sight. Let us know, let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD. His going forth is established as the morning; He will come to us like the rain, like the latter and former rain to the earth."

Something beautifully appropriate about these verses, especially today. As we worshipped, it poured outside, a long gentle soaking rain. After the huge wildfires in Oklahoma this past week, the rain was a welcome change.

I love the way this passage demonstrates the union of Christ and His people. Christ is stricken with us, and as He was raised up, so we will be. The passage talks about God reviving His people on the third day--what appears to apply specifically only to Christ applies to us, too, as His body.

I was just reading Rachel's and Leslie's posts, which are also appropriate to today. There has been so much hurt and pain, so much dying over this past term, over this past year. I, too, need the reminder that my Redeemer lives, and that in my flesh I shall see God, I myself will see Him with my own eyes, I and not another. (Job 19:26-27)

That truth stands under and above and around all the chaos and fragmentation and alienation, all the despair and helplessness and fear. Christ lives. He rules now over all of this. And the leaves of the Tree in Heaven will be for the healing of the nations, for our healing.

"How my heart yearns within me!"

Now Playing: Chris Thile, "Stealing Second", Track 3, "Kneel Before Him".

I've been noticing how loudly I'm being told to go elsewhere for safety. For meaning, for security.

In HON, we're reading The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future, Or, Don't Trust Anyone Under 30. You can guess the whole book from the title. Perhaps the author has a point. But my main concern emerged as I read his endless lists of cultural icons that have been forgotten by young Americans (supposedly). What a Marxist critic would call "cultural capital": the Mona Lisa, Michelangelo, Beethoven, Bach, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Jane Austen, Tolstoy, Tchaikovsky, and the rest.

The author seems to think that if you don't know who these people and ideas are, then you're not a complete person. Somehow being without these great philosophical trends of Western civilization diminishes your humanity. Therefore, be liberal arts majors, everyone!

Or, if you'd rather be rich than cultured, listen to the President of the university. He quoted the father of an alumnus who has made millions on starting car rental agencies: "The only way to be successful is to work twelve hours a day, seven days a week." Work hard, make lots of money, donate to the university, and you'll be a successful person.

Or, if you'd rather spend that money than make it, listen to the shops in the mall. Glossy photos of models sporting the latest fashions. Enticing smells from food kiosks. Glamorous posters on the wall of the cinema and the pervasive smell of stale popcorn. Buy! Be entertained! Watch Brad Pitt, wear American Eagle or Fossil, patronize Victoria's Secret! Define yourself by your possessions, by your consumption!

Tacitly accompanying this message: Be popular. If you don't dress right, don't laugh at the jokes, don't use the language, don't listen to the music, then you're "out". Not wanted. Not worth much.

Or, if you'd rather not make money or spend it, or know anything either, then be a bohemian. Listen to Sarah Bareilles and Augustana, who told the crowd over and over again, "All you need is love! Love, love, love!" Shout it to the world and listen to the world shout it back to you. And if you aren't satisfied with your latest partner, write an angry song that blasts vitriol and electric guitar so loudly that it breaks everyone else's eardrums with your broken heart.

One more thing: Don't think that if you're a Christian, you're immune. We still have the propensity toward idolatry even after we're redeemed. We may try to satisfy ourselves with our spouse's love, our children, our friends, our service opportunities, our tithing, our doctrine, or whatever, but if it replaces God, then it is as hollow as any of the "bad" things listed above.

With so many enemies, enemies outside and enemies within, I wonder sometimes how any of us can ever leave this world and enter Heaven safely.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are Mine."

Now Playing: Chris Thile, "Not All Who Wander Are Lost", Track 1, "Song for a Young Princess".

10 April 2009.

Rachel was away yesterday evening to Colorado for the weekend, so I woke this morning in an empty apartment. It was a cold, grey day outside. At half eight I was supposed to go to a breakfast for scholarship students. Accordingly I dressed up in business casual and hunched my way over to Collins Hall, the new administration building.

On the upper level outside a very posh meeting room, we were greeted by the President of the University and his staffr. They treated us as though we were royalty, nudged us first towards the food, seated us at an enormous sleek table, and entertained us for an hour with conversation.

As soon as it was over, I went back to the apartment, put on jeans, and went to the library to work on a HIST paper. At one o'clock, I went to HIST. Back in the apartment, I ate crackers, carrots, and peanut butter for lunch. The apartment was small, quiet, and grey, silent, the still, colorless light of the grey day outside lingering on empty furniture and pale walls. After I ate, I finished The Age of Innocence, which I've been reading for pleasure.

The book ended with a quiet poignance, somehow fitting the still, empty room. I curled up on the sofa and fell asleep.

I worked for an hour or so until Crystal rang me. The two of us met down in the car park at five o'clock and drove to Woodland Mall to shop for "accessories" to go with my senior recital dress. Emmaline complained that she hates shopping with me because I always know exactly what I want, and the unfortunate Crystal had to put up with the same thing. We spent two-and-a-half hours wandering around the mall. We weren't in a particular hurry, and Crystal enjoys shopping, and I enjoyed being with her.

We were back on campus by eight o'clock. I retreated to my apartment, ate leftovers for tea, and watched darkness fill the sky.

At half eight, Philip rang me to say that he and DMac were heading over to the basketball stadium for the concert. Every year, the university puts on a week of activities for students called Springfest, and the activities always culminate in a free Friday night concert.

So Philip, DMac, and I joined DMo, Kathryn, Nick, and Amy Sf. in the stands. The stage was in the centre of the floor with about a third of the court roped off for the audience and the rest of the court off limits behind barricades. It was set up, but the band hadn't started to perform yet. I sat with Philip and some of his engineering friends in the row in front of the others. Sarah Bareilles was the first act we saw. When the bass began, DMac shouted, "I can feel the air hitting me!", and Philip and I nodded back--could feel it pounding in my torso. Also there were spotlights, ostensibly to add to the hype, but really to blind all of us, DMac thought.

Sarah B. was a pop singer, fluttery and flirty. Like a pink butterfly. "She's a female musician," Philip laughed at me when I was laughing at her. All her songs were love songs. A couple of them were alright; they were all fluff. She played piano and ukelele and had guitar, bass, and drums (all guys). There was a small crowd on the floor around the stage, but almost everyone was sitting in the stands. Joanna and Nicole showed up for the last two songs.

After her band, there was a very long intermission in which the stage was rearranged three or four different times. I perched on the back of my chair and talked to Joanna and Nicole. Philip disappeared.

When Augustana finally came onstage, Philip reappeared on the bleacher steps, shouting at all of us to come down. Joanna, Nicole, and I ran down the steps onto the court. More and more people were making a crowd on the court. As Augustana started their first song, Philip got down on his hands and knees, and I climbed onto his shoulders. I found myself suddenly way above the rest of the crowd, fairly close to the stage. At first we were both nervous, Philip holding tightly to my legs and me swaying tensely, but then we both loosened up and started to dance a little bit. Nicole and Joanna were laughing at us. The adrenaline rush was pretty incredible. Unfortunately, when he put me back down, poor Philip got his hand stepped on, which made me feel awful.

Augustana was an all-guys band. The phrase "effeminate Greeks!" kept trickling into my mind from (Roman) HIST this afternoon. The lead singer, as I said earlier, was high, and somehow appeared to become more and more high over the course of the concert. His mannerisms, his face, the way he sang all reminded everyone of Captain Jack Sparrow. It was fun to watch the band, though--they all seemed to be enjoying themselves thoroughly, and enjoying one another.

In the middle of the concert, I suddenly found myself surrounded by a bunch of guys I didn't know but whose voices were vaguely familiar. It took me a moment to realize that they were pointing at the Queen's crest on my hoodie and to recognize their accents. Philip, DMac, Joanna, and Nicole turned around and stared. It was very hard to talk in the middle of the crowd with the band playing right above us, but there was something wonderfully surreal about discussing Coleraine and Belfast in shouts.

So the rest of the concert I stood a little behind everyone else, standing on tiptoe to try to see the stage, my head in a blur of sound. The lead singer rattled off the usual derisive comments about Tulsa, Oklahoma, and our school spirit (or lack thereof).

The concert ended at a quarter past eleven. I ran up to my apartment. It was quiet and dark.

It's been a surreal day. I shall post more tomorrow. For now:

Tonight I went to my first concert, consisting of Sarah Bareilles and Augustana.

The lead singer of Augustana was extremely high, became more so over the course of the concert (if that's possible), and reminded everyone of Johnny Depp. (*cough*)

In the middle of the concert, I was suddenly surrounded by four Northern Irish guys. (Only knew one of them, Ciaran.) All of them were amazed at the QUB hoodie, and we all pulled out our QUB ID cards with the horrendous photos to show each other as though we were wee kids showing off the latest toys. Philip slagged me off for "breaking out the Northern Irish accent", and before they left, they all gave me enormous hugs--!

Oh, yes, and I also spent the entire first Augustana song sitting on Philip's shoulders, way above the crowd, practically in the band's faces (it seemed at the time), trying to keep my balance while we both danced.

And now I'm thankful for peace and quiet.

Now Playing: Bach, "Sonata in B Minor", "Andante." Two weeks until my recital! Augh!

Burroughs on discontentment and using God's mercies now to fight discontentment:

“To be discontented in any afflicted condition is sinful and evil, but to be discontented when we are in the midst of God’s mercies, when we are not able to count the mercies of God, still to be discontented because we have not got all we would have, this is a greater evil.” (Ch. 10)

“… Job helped himself against all murmuring thoughts against the ways of God, with this consideration, that he had received so much good from the Lord.” (Ch. 10)

“If you do not make the mercies of God help you against your murmuring, you will make them aggravations of the sin of murmuring.” (Ch. 10)

Burroughs comparing us to old horses--old horses don't do much work, so they are turned out to pasture and not fed as much: “… when our consciences tell us we live and do but little service for God, why, what if God should turn us upon the commons? We are being fed according to our work.” (Ch. 10)

“[Of walking with God like Enoch] To observe what work God is now about, and to join with God in that work of his; so that, according as God turns this way or that way, the heart should turn with God, and have workings suitable to the workings of God toward him.” (Ch. 10)

Now Playing: Chris Thile, "Stealing Second", Track 7, "Leaves Fall".

“[Discontent] takes away the present comfort of what you have, because you have not something that you would have.” (Ch. 9)

“Do you think that the Lord will come in mercy a whit the sooner because of the murmuring of your spirits? …. And this is the very reason why many mercies are denied to you, because of your discontent.” (Ch. 9)

“So when we are content with our conditions, and what God disposes of us to be in, there is a blessing in it, then it is sweet to us, but if we must needs have more, and keep it longer than God would have us to have it, then there will be worms in it and it will be no good at all..” (Ch. 9)

(Burroughs is comparing God's blessings to manna in the quote above. As the manna that the Israelites collected went bad the next day if they collected too much, so God's blessings will go bad if we cling to them instead of to Him.)

“God may justly withdraw his care of you, and his protection over you, seeing God cannot please you in his administrations.” (Ch. 9)

(Burroughs)

Sobering and a little terrifying. Not that God will ever remove His love from us, but even loving discipline appears frightening, especially when one is in the middle of it.

Now Playing: Beethoven, Symphony No. 6, "Allegro Ma Non Troppo", which is usually on the playlist on cool days when the windows are open.

My poor sad lonely blog needs something to cheer it up, so I'll give it the story of today.

At a quarter to nine, I drove to Brady Heights for a community garden workday.

At the Ps' house, everyone was still praying. I stood upstairs on the threshold of the dining room while the group around the table finished praying through Psalm 51. After prayer, Tara beckoned me into the room. I sat at the dining room table, and Leah put a steaming piece of spinach quiche in front of me. Justin fed Augie pieces of very soft banana; Ellie and Ian rattled around the house with plastic trucks, and so forth.

It was about ten o'clock when people began to leave. Tara and I walked down to the garden together. The morning was cool and very, very windy from all directions at once. An intensely blue sky behind budding trees. The wind whirled maple helicopters everywhere, rough yellowing seed wings twirling through the air. Tara and I showed Ellie and Anna how to throw them up in the air so that they spun.

Jeremy and Justin were both working on pulling up weeds and sod between the beds, so Tara and I found shovels and joined in. When we got tired of yanking up dandelions and henbit (that tufted stuff with the wee purple flowers that comes up so enchantingly every spring over every available inch of ground), Tara showed me her garden. She has a nice crop of kale right now, as well as chamomile and curry bushes. Anna and Ellie were riding their bicycles up and down the neighbor's driveway and helping us feed grubs to the chickens.

Tara and I started to haul mulch from the foot of the garden to the cleared places between the beds. We had a couple of wheelbarrows and a pitchfork between us. It wasn't until after we had both gotten splinters in our hands that Justin mentioned casually that he had a bag of gloves we could use...!

The morning became warmer as it went on. Tara and I worked away. David B. came over from his house to help, with a wee baby strapped to his chest. Jenna came out to say hello, carrying Autumn. When she came out, we all stopped working and gathered around the picnic tables for a drink of water. Ian, Ellie, and Anna started to fish the ice cubes out of the pitcher, and after that no one particularly wanted a drink.

At about half twelve, Tara and I walked back to her house. I sat at the dining room table while Tara made lunch. Tara boiled pasta and sauteed onions, mushrooms, and the kale in a saucepan. We ate that for lunch along with homemade bread, real butter, and raspberry jam. Tara was doing her best to be a good conversationalist, but I was too dozy.

Driving back toward campus after lunch, I realized with some surprise that I feel guilty being happy. I've forgotten how it's done. Happiness seems like a strange trick, trying to loosen muscles that are always tense.

On campus, Rachel was studying in our apartment. I wrote a HIST paper, rang my family, and sent out invitations to my senior recital. After RCS went running, I walked to the library to print off my paper, then lay in the grass on the new U for awhile, reading for ENGL 4863. While I was lying on the grass, the afternoon was beginning to be overcast. Long clouds coming up from the west, blowing over the sun.

At six o'clock, Rachel and I walked over to ACAC for the Indian Student Association evening. The festival was being held upstairs in the great hall. We found an empty table and sat down. The main part of the evening was dancing, of course: Bollywood, "classical", and hip-hop/classical/Bollywood fusion. Katie danced with one of the groups. It was all flashy colorful costumes, jangling jewelry, and loud pumping music.

Towards the end of the program, tea was served. Everyone got up to eat at once, probably between a hundred and fifty and two hundred people. Indian students, of course, dressed in brightly-colored clothes with gold embroidery. Asian students, too, and then a fair number of other TU students.

Rachel and I waited in line for ages. The food was delicious, of course--spiced rice, naan bread, chicken tikka massala, and other dishes I didn't recognize--reminded me of getting Indian food with Emmaline and Rachel during exams last year.

While we ate, there was more dancing. The last dance was an impressive traditional dance, including both men and women (all the other dances had been women only). Highly choreographed, concentric circles weaving in and out of each other, each dancer holding sticks that they banged rhythmically against one another. Jumping, twirling, kneeling, leaping up again.

Rachel and I went back to our apartment. I curled up in the blue armchair to finish Castle in the Sky. Rachel has been working on her laptop most of the evening. I read "The Physician's Tale" and "The Pardoner's Tale" and ought to write a paper about them before I go to bed. The evening outside is cool.

Now Playing: Brahms, Piano Concerto No. 2, "Andante".

Burroughs:

“By murmuring you undo your prayers, for it is exceedingly contrary to the prayers that you make to God. When you come to pray to God, you acknowledge his sovereignty over you, you come there to profess yourselves to be at God’s disposal… Unless you will stand, as it were, at his disposal, never come to petition him.” (Ch. 9)

“When you are alone, you should spend your time in holy meditation, but you are spending your time in discontented thoughts.” (Ch. 9)

“… for this is the vile nature of discontent, to lessen every mercy of God…. For you say that what God gives you is nothing and only common gifts… when they are the precious graces of God’s Spirit and worth more than thousands of worlds—how ungrateful it is!” (Ch. 9)

“… if a cross comes to make the cross but little, but if there is a mercy to make the mercy great…. Thus, a godly man wonders at his cross that it is not more, a wicked man wonders his cross is so much.” (Ch. 9)

Now Playing: The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Track 1, "Prince Caspian Flees". It's been one of those days as far as music goes: LOTR soundtracks and now Narnia soundtracks. Some people who (used to) read this would be shocked.... *grin*

On Wednesday morning, which would be yesterday, at least that's what the calendar says, I woke up at half five. (Nice long run-on sentence there.) For some reason, my brain was unusually perceptive at that hour of the morning, at least that's the way it seemed. I had to wake up early to see Laura S. safely on her way to Indiana. Until I ate breakfast, my mind was full of all sorts of intriguing overlapping and intertwining ideas, but as soon as I ate, they all disappeared.

Perhaps it's for the best.

Nevertheless....

Life seems to be a perpetual waiting game right now. I feel as though I'm staring at a wall, trying to see through it, not realizing that the wall is actually a window through which I could see if I understood--the way it is at night sometimes when you look out of a lighted room or a car window.

Psalm 90 has been my fare this week, thanks to Matthew Henry and the (stilted) Heart Aflame translation of his commentary.

This Psalm is sobering. It makes human life sound futile in some sense. We are like a passing watch by night, like grass that is thrown into a fire, like yesterday. Everything we do is transient. Nothing appears to matter or have significance.

Even worse, we cling so easily to the things that aren't significant in order to find significance. Looking back on the past year, I find it so full of evil that it's discouraging. Every time I tried to do something that I thought was right, it turned out to be wrong. Half the time I wasn't even trying to do what was right but just trying to survive. It all looks very futile.

Back to Psalm 90. The end of the Psalm, vs. 17, has always terrified me a wee bit. The Psalmist prays for God to "establish the work of our hands on us". I have never particularly wanted my work to be established on me. But Calvin says this about that verse:

"Although God converts to good in the end whatever Satan and the reprobate plot and practise against Him or His people; yet the Church, in which God rules with undisturbed sway, has in this respect a special privilege. By His providence, which to us is incomprehensible, He directs His work in regard to the reprobate externally; but He governs His believing people internally by His Holy Spirit; and therefore He is properly said to order or direct the work of their hands.

"The repetition shows that a continual course of perseverance in the grace of God is required. It would not be enough for us to be brought to the midst of our journey. He must enable us to complete the whole course."

I've been praying for God to redeem the past year. Though I still think that prayer is a proper one to pray, Calvin here seems to suggest something more powerful--that God has "undisturbed sway" over His church (see the end of Ephesians 1) internally, that He is directing us from the inside despite our sin.

Also, it is not we that must persevere in the grace of God. Calvin means (unclear translation here, I think) that the grace of God is the "thing" doing the perseverance, not us.

I return to the metaphor of the believer being like a tree in Psalm 1. I want to be doing, to be adding, to be working hard, exerting all my effort. Though obedience is necessary and good, I wonder if it wouldn't be better sometimes to remember that it's not the obedience that saves.

Simply existing for God's glory, like a tree, is far better than working like a gerbil on a treadmill to be perfect. Crystal pointed out one afternoon while we were walking past the chapel that trees grow with their branches constantly spread to the sun, always in a posture of prayer--like the stability believers should have, constantly waiting on God.

Now Playing: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe soundtrack, credits song by Imogen Heap, "Can't Take It In".

It's been awhile since I've posted any Burroughs, so here's some for this evening.

“How unseemly it is that you should be a slave to every cross, that every affliction shall be able to say to your soul, ‘Bow down to us’!” (Ch. 8)

“We are of one spirit with God and with Christ, and one spirit with the Holy Ghost; therefore, we should have a spirit that might manifest the glory of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost in our spirits: that is, the spirit of a Christian. The spirit of a Christian should be a lion-like spirit….” (Ch. 8)

“A Christian’s profession is to be dead to the world and to be alive to God, that is his profession, to have his life hid with Christ in God, to satisfy himself in God. What! Is this your profession? And yet if you have not everything you want, you murmur and are discontented.” (Ch. 8)

“A Christian should be satisfied with what God has made the object of his faith. The object of his faith is high enough to satisfy his soul, were it capable of a thousand times more than it is…. God never promised me that I should have these comforts, at this time, and in such a way as I would have. I am discontented because I have not these things which God never yet promised me, and therefore I sin much against the Gospel, and against the grace of faith.” (Ch. 8)

Mr. C was talking to me the last time I was in Stillwater, and he said that a friend of his had compared reading The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment to a story he'd heard. Apparently a shop somewhere employs people who are disabled mentally or physically. The employees do a good job at the simple work they're given, but every few months, they forget how to do their job because of whatever disability they have. The people who own the shop have to retrain the employees several times a year to remind them what they're supposed to be doing.

That just about perfectly sums up my relationship to this book. I especially like the first and second quotes here, the second because it mentions having a "lion-like spirit". That phrase reminds me of the passage in Prince Caspian when Lucy is complaining to Aslan about having to wake her sleeping companions and Aslan must breathe on her, making her a lioness, before she can obey willingly.

I woke up so early this morning that I saw

WHITE RABBITS!

Laura S. drove out to visit Tulsa. She arrived early this morning (or very late last night), and today we visited Woodward Park.

Pictures here.

Now Playing: Beethoven, Symphony No. 7, "Allegro Con Brio".

Catherine rang me today!

And I got to eat lunch with Jenny M. after spending all morning listening to student presentations.

The AAAS-SWARM conference (which sounds like some sort of disease to me) is convening at TU this week, and they needed student judges to adjudicate presentations. I had the benefit of hearing two actually interesting presentations about a certain gene that may make people more likely to get stressed out (or, on a more serious level, suffer disorders such as bipolar or depression). The amusing part of the presentation was that the students had used watching a horror film as their stress test--Jenny, who'd helped with the research, told me afterward that the film was actually rather ridiculous and not very stressful at all.

Anyway....

Before HIST class this afternoon, Emily whispered to me, "I had a dream this weekend that it snowed. When I woke up this morning, the dream was over." There's hardly any snow left on the ground, except in a couple of big piles on the north sides of buildings. Even the extreme moisture has mostly evaporated because of the nearly gale force south winds all day. Yesterday, we could've paddled Rachel Jr.'s inflatable kayak around our apartment complex, but today the ground was only a wee bit mucky.

Now Playing: Handel, Messiah, "Thus saith the Lord...."

New pictures here.

Now Playing: Mark O'Connor, "The Fiddle Concerto". Cadenza to the third movement.

In honor of our class poetry reading tonight, here are a couple of the pieces I've written for class this term.

~

Dark

“Though I walk through the valley of deep darkness”
Honeycombed brain twisting heart roped throat
labyrinth aorta ventricles feeding minotaur
in dark places of world, fill habitations with violence
valleys of deep darkness, armpits, eyelids, neck
soft folds, tendons, bones, freckled skin

“characterized by absolute or relative absence of light”

Standing under medulla medusa wrapped stingers
tentacles along spinal cord, this inside minds
writhe gloom consuming by enzymes

“A dark house was formerly considered a proper place of confinement for a madman”, obs.

Shining on floor, yellow rectangles, three-by-six,
eyes invert images automatically match medusa
walking through the valley of deep darkness
“I will fear no good, for you are not with me”
Crawl away from coffins shining on carpet,
away from holes onto empty iridescence,
skull, entrails, epidermis quivering
into

~

Sun

Photoheterotrophs sip liquid vitality—
his ascendance enriches their pedalfer,
slow multifoliate unfolding face by face
downrushed viscosity spreading veins
eternal biosynthesis of wholeness.
They reach arms forward, upflung heliochryse
in jacinth foliage of foaming flesh
fingers’ mesmerism stretch toward the source:
no heliodon needed to track his path
metamorphosed chrysalises sprout
his swath’s cyclosis, infinity’s heliotropes.

~

The first one is an inversion of Psalm 23, to some degree. Intended as an exploration of the darkness of the human being, physically and spiritually, and what we do to God's promises.

The second one is a depiction of the final resurrection through the frame of biological language.

Now Playing: Flook, "Haven", Track 2, "Gone Fishing".

Warning: I'm so tired that I can hardly see straight, so if this post is weird, that's why.

Reasons why:
a.) Haven't been sleeping well lately
b.) Have had weird dreams when I have slept (I dreamed very vividly last night that colonies of bacterium were living on my shoulders)
c.) Enormous thunderstorms have happened at night, which is truly awesome but also not conducive to sleep
d.) Woke up at a quarter to six this morning

And therein lies the tale....

Woke up, dragged on clothes, ate breakfast sitting in the dark at my desk, and crept out of the apartment so as not to wake Rachel. The east was just beginning to be grey. The morning was chilly. Sparrows were already chirping shrilly in the eaves of the apartments, though. I walked across campus to ACAC, seeing only the early-morning maintenance workers on their way to the physical plant building and the caf.

In ACAC I met the other faithful few from Mortar Board, our resident senior honors society. When my grandmother was at uni at SMU in Dallas, being in Mortar Board actually was "one of the highest honors an undergraduate could receive" (quoted from the script I heard repeated all morning). She always gets teary-eyed when she reminisces about how she knew she was selected for Mortar Board when she saw her sister stepping off the tram. However, at TU, Mortar Board is, for better or worse, rather a joke, known only for its extremely peculiar initiation ceremony.

This ceremony involves waking up ridiculously early (as previously noted), donning flapping black graduation robes, marching around campus in a big group, singing the Mortar Board song, banging on apartment doors or barging into classrooms, and "tapping" the selected student on the head with a graduation cap. ("Tapping" being reading aloud the schpiel quoted above, informing the student that he or she was excused from class for the rest of the morning, and then hitting them lightly on the head with the cap.)

Hence, at about seven o'clock, after a long delay, we all marched over to sorority row, where we managed to get into two sorority houses to "tap" new members. Then we went to the apartments, where we unceremoniously woke people to inform them that they had been selected. And so it went.... We even went into the volleyball gym, where the team was practicing. One of the coaches thought we were a choir, though I don't know how he made that mistake, since our singing left a lot to be desired.

We had about an hour-long break at eight o'clock. Then we were mostly going into classrooms, singing in the hallways of the buildings. People in Kep stared at us as we walked past; the secretaries in the business building smiled at us. We happened to go into one of Philip's classes in Kep, so he and I wrinkled our noses at each other while the selected student was "tapped". It was amusing to watch the students' and professors' faces in the classrooms: the professors generally watched us with bland good humor, having been warned ahead of time via e-mail, while the students gaped or raised eyebrows. Apparently there were usually people who had applied but not been accepted in the classrooms, and whoever had done the actual tapping always complained afterward about feeling awkward.

One of the students had skipped class. Accordingly, we all marched over to the frat house where he lived, went upstairs, banged on his door, and "tapped" him, joking the whole time that he was going to have his new membership revoked immediately for skipping class.

So my entire morning was spent parading around campus, listening to the other members chatter away, mumbling the Mortar Board song, and trying not to look too awkward while we crowded into narrow spaces in classrooms and apartment balconies. At least the morning was pleasant: cool, sunny, a high sky criss-crossed with contrails.

At eleven o'clock, I ducked out to go to "senior salute". Another peculiar tradition: the Great Hall upstairs in ACAC turned into a maze of tables at which graduating seniors can purchase photos or class rings, sign up for career services postings, check to make sure that the reader pronounced their name correctly, etc. I picked up my cap, gown, and tassel, and then went to Tyrrell to practice flute. After I practiced, I went to the SAC in Mayo for the Mortar Board lunch. Stephen was tapped today, so I sat with him and a couple of his friends.

After HIST this afternoon, I went straight to the CGE to work for a couple of hours. The CGE was fairly busy this afternoon. I worked on formatting the international students' study abroad handbook. At half five I walked over to ACAC. Philip had promised to teach me how to use the espresso machine at Carrello's. When I got there, I was treated to Amy, Jenny M., Andrew, and Philip hanging out together.

At seven o'clock, Hannah came to our apartment for prayer. We chatted until Rachel Sr. entered. When she came in, she was holding an absolutely stunning spicebush swallowtail butterfly in her hand. She set it carefully on the sofa, then on the carpet. Hannah immediately got down on the floor to look at it, and I pulled out my camera. It was one of the most perfect butterflies I've seen in a long time. Rachel said she'd found it on the ground, but it was completely undamaged. Beautiful: glossy black wings, sleek veins, iridescent blue, stunning red-and-gold eyespots, elegantly curled antennae. Hannah and I sat on the floor and stared at it while Rachel made jasmine green tea for the three of us. We all watched the butterfly for a long time. It crawled over the floor and then rested on the wooden moulding at the base of the wall. Finally, Rachel gingerly scooped it into a plastic dish, and we took it outside and put it in the grass on the new U.

Then we went back to the apartment. Lotus tea tastes exactly like honeysuckle, Hannah and I decided. Childhood memories for both of us. The three of us shared prayer requests, largely for provision for housing and work and guidance. Then we prayed through Psalm 84. Hannah read out of the Northern Irish split-leaf Psalter since she didn't have a Bible. The image of the butterfly was fresh in all our minds. So intricate, lavishly beautiful--and yet God says in Isaiah 43, "you are precious in my eyes...". If the butterfly is so incredibly beautiful, but God does not call it precious but reserves that term for His people....

After we prayed, we chatted for awhile. Hannah left at about a quarter past eight, and Rachel and I settled down to work.

I worked pretty intensely on poetry for two-and-a-half hours. I also rang Crystal and chatted with her for twenty minutes or so. Finally, when my eyes felt as though they were about to fall out, my muscles and joints were stiff, and my stomach was an acid knot from tension, I stopped and got on Facebook.